He asked, “Are you okay?” I paused as tears surfaced, those three small words hitting my spirit. Rapidly, I searched my memory for the last time I’d been asked that question with so much authentic concern.
“I will be,” I replied.
The smoldering embers inside me ignited the emotional fire I’ve needed to unleash. Somehow, I had let myself slip into an old pattern that I believed it wasn’t my place to think, feel, believe, or say the words I wrote in response.
I changed my answer and sent back the following (edited) dialogue. “I am okay. In fact, I’m probably emotionally and psychologically better than ever. A recent shift has been occurring, and now I understand. I am evolving into the woman I was born to be.
What’s not okay is living in poverty. I am hurt because I did not plan nor ask for this. I accept and understand that life is going to give us things that we didn’t ask for. Before my husband passed, he didn’t plan well enough, leaving us with only enough to cover his medical and death expenses. Soon enough, the writing was on the wall. I had to sell the house and let go of my business, and I’ve been struggling to survive for the last five years.
Let me back up. Two weeks ago, I walked into my kitchen in the middle of the night. Sleepy-eyed, I flipped the lights on, and froze in place as I swore I saw my counters move. Roaches scattered to dark places before I could grab the spray. Cringing, trying to subdue the urge to give in to the spasms in my gut, I looked around, carefully backing out of the room. If one of those roaches would have approached or touched me, I would have lost my mind.
My head swirling, my body shaking with anger, I told myself, “Deep breaths… breathe, lady, breathe.” It seemed 100 thoughts rushed through my brain all at once. I keep a clean house, I take measures to prevent bugs; in fact, I spray so much that I worry about the health of my grandson and myself. Yet these miniature demons persist with disrupting my peace. They are a stark reminder that life is not what it once was.
Then a familiar feeling began burning in my stomach, moving towards my throat, almost as if small fingers were choking me. After a few deep breaths, my vision began to clear and nerves settled. I knew that choking feeling: The silent scream.
I drew the line there. I was not going to tolerate this lifestyle anymore. I will have what I deserve and what I want.
All of it.
That moment ignited a fire burning inside that can’t be extinguished. And the irony? As crappy and creepy as roaches are, they served me a lesson: not to tolerate less than I’m worth. I deserve better.
I don’t deserve to live in an environment where people want to destroy themselves and take others with them. I fought too hard to remove myself from that life to be living in conditions where I feel forced to worry if I’ll find roaches in my bed or any room of my home, or if we are safe from other dangers outside of the home.
I deserve to be spending my days writing, creating, watching my grandson grow, and embracing life. I deserve to be free from the burden of financial limitations, some of which my beliefs have created.
I deserve to experience emotions without apology; falling in love over, and over, and over. I deserve success and failure, to travel, to laugh and cry, and to be myself. I deserve the delicious soulful intimacy I have denied myself for six years; to be held, to experience waves of fiery pleasure, and feel safe while doing so. I deserve passionate kisses that express emotions that have no words.
No! I will not settle for anything less than what I desire, deserve, and need. I refuse. I did that too many times in the past.
The tipping point happened yesterday. I caught myself believing I didn’t deserve to be part of a creators community that encouraged my dreams. “Oh, I can’t join the group right now because finances are limited.” I’ve learned to give myself so much Bullshit.”
I sent that message in a semi-conscious effort to justify why now isn’t a good time to follow my life path. After I sent the message, I asked out loud, “What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I saying no to an opportunity to change my life?”
Why deny myself lasting love or soulful intimacy? I would have been saying no to everything my heart desires.
“I talk and write about being UnBound. I coach people to separate themselves from their past and the symptoms of traumatic experiences. But I’ve been missing unbinding myself from the false belief that I don’t deserve better.
Damn it. It’s time I live it. Really live it the way I see best, not the way others think it should be.”
Unbound living may seem messy, unorganized, and unconventional. To me, it’s all that and more. It’s living with an uncommon sense, guided by my values and beliefs. I write the script to my life. So, I’m taking the suggestion from a friend that ‘…it’s time for the teacher to start teaching herself.”
Now is when I unleash myself from bullshit false beliefs. Roaches have evolved to survive the worst; I am determined to do the same. I will break free and BE Deliberately UnBound.