That moment you realize you’ve made a mistake: cue panic.
Your heart skips a beat, your throat dries, or nausea creeps in. These physical reactions might feel intense, but they are common for survivors, like myself, who experienced violent consequences for making mistakes as children. For us, mistakes can trigger feelings of inadequacy, fear, or panic. These responses often stem from the emotional imprints left by early abuse, where mistakes led to punishment, shame, rejection, or abandonment.
If you’ve experienced these reactions, I hope to assure you — you don’t have to feel this way anymore. Not only is recovery possible, but it can also be a deeply transformative process. It starts by retraining the brain to respond differently to mistakes, helping you create a sense of safety and reclaim your self-worth. However, this takes time and patience to build the self-trust necessary to believe you are worthy of compassion and grace.
Does the process mean you’ll never cringe in fear after making a mistake again? No — but it does offer the opportunity to learn emotional regulation and the ability to shift your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs without triggering harsh self-criticism. Here’s how the recovery process unfolded for me, and perhaps for you:
1. Awareness of the Reaction
I have, and sometimes still do, experience intense emotional reactions to mistakes—feelings of failure, self-criticism, or fear of abandonment. Recovery begins with awareness that these reactions are trauma-based and not a true reflection of the present situation. Recognizing that these responses are tied to past experiences is the first step in loosening their grip.
2. Acknowledging the Root Causes
In my childhood, mistakes were often met with emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. As a result, I internalized perfectionism as a form of self-protection. Acknowledging this helps me understand that my extreme responses aren’t flaws, but survival mechanisms that once helped me cope.
3. Acceptance of Imperfection
I became conditioned to equate mistakes with danger or rejection. However, healing requires accepting that mistakes are a natural part of learning and growth. Acceptance allows me to challenge perfectionism and open up to vulnerability, recognizing that mistakes do not define my worth.
4. Application of Reframing Mistakes as Learning Opportunities
Recovery involves shifting how I view mistakes—from personal failings to opportunities for learning and growth. Application of this perspective reduces the emotional charge associated with mistakes and supports a growth-oriented mindset. I remind myself that everyone makes mistakes, and they don’t diminish my value, which strengthens my self-trust.
5. Appreciation Leads to Self-Compassion
Developing self-compassion is key. I’ve learned to appreciate myself for being able to take responsibility when I make mistakes, instead of reverting to self-criticism or fear. This involves regular mindfulness practice, challenging negative self-talk, and embracing the truth that I am whole, worthy, enough, and also more.
6. Practicing Emotional Regulation
To help regulate my emotions in moments of distress, I’ve adopted grounding exercises, deep breathing, and mindfulness techniques. With continued practice, I can reduce extreme reactions and respond with more self-compassion when mistakes happen.
7. Safe Exploration in Play
Play has been a powerful tool in my healing because it encourages experimentation without fear of judgment. During play, I allow myself mistakes and recover from them in real-time, reinforcing the idea that mistakes are not dangerous. Engaging in creative or playful activities helps rewire my brain’s association with mistakes, offering positive reinforcement for resilience.
8. Therapeutic Support
Processes such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Somatic Experiencing, have been crucial in my recovery, assisting with releasing the deep-rooted fears I once associated with mistakes. In a safe space I create or choose, I’ve been able to explore my reactions and build new, healthier responses.
9. Gradual Exposure to Risk
It’s important to note that none of this needs to be rushed. I gradually exposed myself to situations where mistakes might happen and practiced responding in healthier ways. By starting small and building on successes, I reconditioned my mind to view mistakes as opportunities for growth, not threats.
10. Reclaiming Agency
As I became UnBound, I reclaimed the agency I lost during my traumatic experiences. Mistakes are no longer moments of fear — they are moments of choice. I get to decide how I respond, rather than automatically repeating old patterns. This process empowered me to trust myself again and strengthened my resilience.
—
Through this process, survivors shift from fear-driven reactions to self-acceptance, gaining freedom from the past and a more compassionate, flexible view of themselves.
They aren’t just learning to tolerate mistakes — they’re reclaiming self-trust. With self-compassion, resilience, and a renewed sense of worth, they reclaim the freedom to live UnBound.
—
Journaling Prompt:
Think of a recent mistake and how you reacted emotionally and physically. Can you identify past experiences influencing your response? How might you reframe the mistake as a learning opportunity, and what steps can you take to show yourself more compassion in the future?
—